A Big ole' What If?

So I didn't get anything up on Tuesday, and my excuse for that is that I had thought I was talking about mainstream music, so I had been thinking a fair bit about that, only to find out that I'm writing about what ifs. Well alright, I guess I'm doing some more thinking, and yes I do in fact think about the things I write, maybe not in terms of making outlines and rough drafts, but I do take some time to think the idea over and then get to work on writing it.

So we're talking a big what if today? Cool, so when I thought about this naturally the angsty teenage part of my mind that still exists went absolutely ballistic and arrived at the question of, "What if I got cancer and died?" Yeah, we're going there today. Gonna be so much fun right?

So as I thought this through, I kind of split it into two areas for this particular scenario. Part one is Diagnosis and Treatment. So that takes me first to how would I break the news to people? It seems wise to me that I would inform family and close friends ASAP via private communications (Skype calls, Phone, FB messages for those not immediately available, that kind of stuff) and then that's kind of just it. No big FaceBook post to inform people, I'll tell who I think aught to know and if other people would wan to know then they would ask me right? So now people know, and I imagine I'd move back home quickly and begin treatment there. I wouldn't go to school during treatment, even if I survived  (Which I don't in this hypothetical scenario) I have no intentions of adding that stress onto myself at that time. For the first few months I'd imagine I would still be healthy enough to go and work a simple job so I'd defiantly keep doing that. Having something else to just keep my mind occupied would be nice and it would allow me to accrue some cash to go out and do some of the things I would want to do like travel if that would be possible.  For the sake of this scenario we'll assume I live for another year after diagnosis K? The entire experience would be recorded here on this blog since I've done a terrible job at keeping a journal and I would need something to record my life story (as little as there may be to it.) So that someone could potentially read it later on. Would be nice to have something people could refer to instead of just word of mouth. I'd probably also write a bunch of stuff in some notebooks so there would be a physical copy in case the Google lost the data for whatever reason. You know, back up plans?

So at this point I'm back home, working a little, recording my life story, and starting treatment. As far as that goes, I listen to what my doctors tell me and follow their instructions, I'd probably do stuff my Dad told me to do as well since he has that medical expertise but beyond that, no weird treatments, no natural medicine. Just stick to what the doctors tell me. Psychologically I don't think I would struggle with this that terribly much with the idea of death. What do I know though, I don't think anyone that's been as healthy as I have been and is as young as me has really ever actually thought about the fact that at some point they're going to die. Way to morbid for us youngsters. I think I'd do alright though, mostly because I know that sometimes the cards really just don't play out in your favour and that's something you just have to accept.

Beyond just things that involve me, I'd also have some work to do with bringing all of the relationships with people I know to some sort of weird "Conclusion" Not like in a sense where I shut everyone out and stop interacting with people, but more along the lines of making amends for the wrongs I've done to people, forgiving those I've wrongly held grudges against, (Basically anyone I have a grudge with) Telling all the people I honestly dislike that I dislike them and why, although this part comes much later in the process, and finally making sure that all the people that I genuinely love know how much I care about them. I think that's something I'm pretty bad at, letting people know how much I appreciate them, might be something to do with the stubborn sarcasm that's always spilling out of my mouth. Seriously though, make sure important people know they're important. I think I should also note that there is absolutely no chance that I'd start a relationship with anyone if this happened. I feel like it would be a worst case scenario if I fell in love at this time, or even worse what if I married someone and left a widow at that age? Augh.... Just no.

 Weird thoughts about widows aside, now we've reached the point where I'm really not healthy enough to do much of anything and that leaves just a couple of key decisions left to be made. Do I sit down and peacefully accept death as it comes, or do I go out in a blaze of glory/yolo and do something really dumb. I'd probably just flip a coin to decide what I do at that point. Would be kind of funny if I had cancer for all that time and then just went down in some dumb drag race with a beat-up Honda civic or something. Assuming I do the less stupid thing though I'm probably going to be spending my last days in a hospital bed or similar situation. Now the last decision occurs, I think ideally I would actually want my passing to be a rather unknown affair, like I just slip away during the night. Don't really like the idea of having like family/friends there to watch the life leave my eyes, because dang does that every sound depressing. Obviously other people need some time to get like final goodbyes done with, but after that it becomes a bit of a moot point, so yeah I'd just kind of let it happen in the middle of the night or something. I hear about that, when people are near the edge like that they just sort of let go (LET IT GO!) and pass away. I want to be listening to something really cool like Stairway to Heaven when I go though, cause that's just cool.

Now we've reached part 2. Admittedly this part is quite a bit shorter, cause I'm done making decisions at this point really. Also this is kind of the part that really sucks for me, just saying. I think the only logical place for me to be buried (Yeah I'd be buried, no cremation unless I start the fire, you know what I'm saying? Man that's dark and probably not that funny.) is in Magrath, It just makes sense. Weird to think about being buried in that cemetery though, I've mowed it countless times now and it doesn't really feel that different being there than other places. Regardless, funeral service I hope would be pretty simple, nothing fancy.

As for how I'd be remembered, all I can really ask for is that people remember me as a person that had stuck to his guns and did what he thought was right. Also that I had passion. I'd absolutely hate to be remembered as an apathetic person. Whether or not people liked me for that, thought I was funny, nice, or anything like that doesn't really matter that much in comparison to the first three I mentioned.

Alright I'm done. That was pretty dark, and weird to think about. Hopefully it made for an interesting read though, because it was defiantly an interesting thing to think about. Especially once you get past the idea of thinking like, "What if I died? Well that would suck" and actually explore the idea more in depth. I don't think I even went that deep though, good enough for now though. I don't think this challenge can really get darker than this one though, hopefully this is the only one where death, and mine in particular, is the central topic. Peace buds.

This is roughly how I would like to be remembered